Bye...Yet again!

I have lived quite a nomadic life but goodbye have always been difficult. And today was no different. I worked with them for less then 5 months but today I felt as if...
In these short 4 or so months I had the opportunity to work with some of the nicest people I have ever met...thanks Y and M you guys are the best! I am totally hugged out today...lost count...went to a resturant after work...me fasting but couldn't say no to xyz now could I?

This is some of what I have learned from the these two...

Be nice to people (everyone!)...it can make a difference in someone's life...
-->I was always indifferent (at work that is---or as they call it Professional) before this...

Be patient...Y had to really put up with my stupid questions sometimes...but he never lost his cool or showed any irritation!
--> I did not join teaching school because I am not good at answering the same question more then two times...

Go out of your way to be helpful...may be the other person is hesitant if you know they need your help offer it, don't wait for them to come to you...
--> I generally mind my own business

Don't judge people...
-->well thats something...I have always believed in but it just re-affirmed my faith in it

Be more forgiving...
I have always had issues with forgiveness....but now I realize more and more....resentment is not good for one's health...

--->And no, all this does not mean be a doormat...

Sankalp

Every 6 months I have this ritual of sankalp...a pleadge...Its usually a few minutes before an image of durga...the night before and till now it was just something thats done...but today I realised something...if a pledge/resolve...can give me the strength to do what I normally can't (read: keep me calm and composed and relatively happy mood despite no carbs)...then it must be a powerful thing!
So beside that I have also taken another sankalp today...and I have always been a believer that you can make anything you say true...in other word make your word potent...by not uttering falsehood...its not an easy path but hi...its worth the challenges....

For my daughter....written in a happy state of mind!

Inspiration:
Mere ghar aai(aiyggi?) ek nanhi pari...
Esp love the last few lines
MaiN Tere Dil MeiN Thii Hameshaa Se
Ghar MeiN Aai HuuN Aaj Pahalii Baar
....

Recently had a maternal phase...
First happened to lay my hands on a book called "Chicken soup for the mothers soul" so after soggy pillow, and swollen eyes on Friday...(HAHAHA-I am not in a psych ward yet...but get a feeling I will be there soon!) things are back to normal.

Ever since I can remember I was wanted to be a MOM! I love kids, they are just adorable...cute cuddly little people.. :)

Anyways, I was reading the Lalita Sahasranamam and came across a name that I had always thought I would give my daughter...when I have one! And a train of thought followed, how nice it would be to inculcate values in a child, imagine vi and little vi together...vi reading the naamavali and little vi's name would come up, and I would tell her the story behind her name, and she would be happy to know of ancient-ness of her name, and pride in it too...
Or, I could even try my hand at singing...
May the good Lord be with you down every road you roam,
And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home.
May you grow to be proud, dignified, and true,
And do unto others as you'd have done to you.
Be courageous and be brave,
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever young

So went out today...thought of buying some new cloths...couldn't find anything :( but came across this very pretty dress for a 2-5 year old...green and magenta so cute...so I bought it...of course for T's daughter...:)

The count down

10 days left...then new people new place new stuff...have this strange feeling..uncertainity...don't know what the people there will be like...I know they can't be as nice as xyz...I will miss him...everyday when I look at him I think 10 days and then I won't be seeing him anymore...and the fact that he is so affectionate makes it even more difficult.
This last year I have had so many people in my life, ...its been a hectic year 3 job changes, courses, spiritual highs, and financial highs, but emotional lows...every job is better then the last...title, money but its so damn shallow...
Recently realised how clingy I have become...seriously, clingy...its probably insecurity...but I am getting back on track every morning I tell my self...I should be grateful for what I have...and I should have faith...they say faith can move mountains...may be my faith is not that strong but I have to make it strong...
Looking back have been with this group since late Nov....
Came on "special assignment" for 3 days...during crunch time...
A week later, xyz talked to my manager and had me transfered to his team...my lucky day...gave me a better rate, closer to home and boss who calls you "beautiful","love", "honey" who (almost) always smiles, gives you a day off when you look tired, lends a shoulder to cry on, ...gives you his cellphone when you need to go somewhere you might need to be in touch, who writes recommendation letters 4 in a day! who just makes you feel special, who is just awesome, who you can't help but feel bad about leaving, who you can't stop talking about, who is a blessing! Yes, he is a blessing because I was at a point when I needed that job desperately for various reasons, when I was going insane commuting 3 hours each day, I prayed to durga ma and to Shiva to help and that help came in the form of xyz. So he is a blessing!

Ups and downs

After a long time actually felt happy today...my eyes for once twinkled with happiness!
Actually feeling calm after the dream...on saturday night...it soothed my nerves...

Monday morning so did shiv pooja...
Karpoor Gouram Karunnaavataram Sansaar Saaram Bhujgendra Haaram.
Sadaa Vasantam Hridyaarvrinde Bhavam Bhavaani Sahitam Namaami.
Mangalam baghwan shambo mangalam ....

So the day started on a good note...
got to work and got quite a bit done by 11.00 had a meeting with the other company's HR so when I was leaving xyz came out-he knew where i was going...so he said "All the best love" I said thanks....
Met the other company HR rep and finally signed the job offer -after contemplating, bargaining/negotiating for weeks..-so come April 3rd me off to "our competitors"

Came back to work around 12.10 no time for lunch vaise bhi no biggie...got some work done...
xyz came by...and asked for an update..."almost done!"...he wanted it done by march 31...so he was very happy...he knelt in front of me and said "I love you. I love you...for all the work" it was so funny...

Apart from work and everyday life feeling much better...calmness...to the level of serenity...haven't even worn crazy lip colours this week!


I'm gonna live for ever
I'm gonna learn how to fly
I feel it coming together...

Love this song...does anyone have it???
Why do I get a feeling this high won't last...?

harakiri

Its been almost 3 weeks that I have been contemplating moving...one part of me wants to the other doesn't. So when they made the offer two weeks ago, I said I am interested but will have to think about it, two weeks and still couldn't make up my mind. So last week got an ultimatum from them "Yes or No". Still wasn't sure, so I said, I think the dollar amount is a bit low, I want $-K more. It was harakiri...coz after my research I knew what they were offering was standard for my skill-experience-education...I was thinking may be they would just say "Get lost" and then I can stay where I am but no luck, they came back said "OK" but you will have to commit today and sign on it on monday! I so I commited to them...but told them will start on 3 April...why do I get a feeling I am shotting myself in the foot with all the conditions...aren't they going to make my life hell once I do join them :)

whats going on

The more I get the more empty I feel. This year has been good...got my pr, got a fantastic job, but why can't I enjoy these moments, why am I so depressed? Aur kya chahiye mujhe? I should enjoy what i have, I am young, independent, if I want I can have the time of my life but all I do recently is mop...kya ho gaya hai mujhe? Today xyz asked me...you must be excited about this job, I tried to fake the enthu and said "Yes" but he saw through that...My other co-worker he is also a terrific guy...said "with your skill-set you can kick ass!" that did bring a smile on my face...thanks YW, and xyz...you guys are the best!

Pata nahi aisa kyun lagta hai...there is nothing to live for...

****Fiction****

Vishali stared outside for a while, not at anything in particular, just outside, it was one of those gloomy days…nothing new to the life she had chosen…or was it the other way round, the life that had chosen her.
She contemplated over things, about life, about people, about herself…mostly about herself. Last week had seen her soul crush. She never knew she was capable of hitting rock bottom. She never knew she was so weak, so vulnerable, so damn pathetic, yes pathetic was the word…downright pathetic is what she had become, out of nowhere this depression striked her, “What have I become? Shiva?” The tears flowed like the ganges, pure emotion, pure energy. Tears of humiliation, tears of profound sorrow, tears of loss…loss of self-respect...What have I become shiva? The silent question. She asked the most virile god in the galaxy of gods she prayed to. She never fancied herself as a godess, but she always believed Shiva had a plan for her. Yes, she had her idocyncracies. But she was not a complete nutcase yet…”yet” was the keyword.
In a long time she had contemplated ending it all, it would be so simple, how much easier it would be to end all this…much easier then enduring it, she thought…but she was a coward. Of course, thinking of all the people it would effect was cowardness. Just excuses…who was she kidding she just did not have it in her…and to think she had no right to spoil the lives of those connected to her...was just a pretext!

Between all this, she heard this voice….”You have made it!” She laughed out loud at that…”made it” referred to having an american green card, a good education, a good job, and enough money to buy a house but for whom? For what? This “made it”, was a farce, she knew she didn’t make it, it all just happened, she never did anything to make it happen, it was no accomplishment…

And here she was thinking of throwing it all away...may be she didn’t value it…because she did nothing to get it. Here she was, unable to manage her life…her emotions…sobbing in someone else’s arms…just losing it! Over what? Because nothing had happened. Just feeling sorry for herself! She was ashamed of it, really ashamed…she was still gazing outside…it had turned completely dark, there was a stillness in the air…stillness all around…stillness…this stillness bothered her…but all she had to do was switch on the lights, start the music, and search for the strong person she had lost somewhere…the person who faced everything with courage, who had tremendous faith in herself, in her Shiva.
Where is she? She wondered. The person who told Suraj..."I do love you but love myself esteem more", Where is she who not just said those words but meant them, who never looked back after that day!

She needed to find her back...if she were ever to look in the mirror...

(Just wanted to write an intense piece people...:) is it?...intense that is? Also, inspiration for this came from Oz’s piece on confused desi’s...

To T with love

I have know T for almost 5 years now, from the day when my prof put us in a group together for an assignment...never knew it would lead to a life time of friendship! I still remember her she was wearing a white pull over with bright pink lipstick. She had moved to canada after her arranged marriage...we hit it off right away...though we did not speak the same language, we did not move in the same social circle, we are not the same age...
But there was something that just clicked. She has seen me through the best and worst phases-and has always been there for me...and I hope I have been there for her too...the day she became a mom (I am her daughters mausi!), she called her mom and the next person she called was me! The day i got my first job, i called my parents and then her! All my little achievements were shared with her...and her's with me!
Its a long distance friendship now...she is on the west coast! But whenever either of us need a friend we are just a phone call away!
I called her today from work before the melt down! She just knows, from the first word i speak, how i am feeling...as cliched or corny as that may sound she is my friend philosopher guide . I love you T!
Sometimes I wonder...I must have done something right to have people like T and xyz in my life...
P.S. Aaj sab par kuch jyada hi pyar aa raha hai...T pe, xyz pe, Vishal pe, aur bhi kai logon pe :)

xyz

Today, things went out of hand...today things collapsed...today things fall apart...got to work but the water works wouldn't stop...afternoon again and then mentor was explaining things and i felt this dizzyness, this tightness this sinking feeling...i was about to collapse he called others and then xyz and i had a little chat...he said...I am not your manager...I am your friend tell me whats going on...I said personal stuff...he insisted..."you have not been your self lately honey". Then he said give me a hug...i hesitated...he said do you mind? I said no. He is just awesome...he told me...i am here if you need me...a very platonic i love you xyz!
Insisted that i take the day off tomarrow...I might...

couple of things

Another tupsy turvy week...heady mix of emotions and facts! And its just wednesday. For the last one year I have been working as a contractor, not that I had much of a choice but I took contracts because I didn't want to commit to anything, so last week when I was offered a Full time Permanent job (No such thing as that!) I didn't know what I wanted to do. But today its clear, I am going to accept their offer! One unpleasant job remaining, to tell xyz that I am leaving, I hate saying good byes, I am really bad at it! My eyes start leaking, my voice changes, my throat hurts and then I am gloomy for a good month!
I tried telling myself, the pay is much better, but money is not everything, I would pick people over money any day!

7 Things tag!

7 things I wish to do before I die
1 Meet god! (before I die!:))
2 Be at peace with myself....hulchal hai zindagi mein
3 Write a best seller
4 Pay back/forward all the good deeds that have come my way
5 Be more forgiving (working on that one...Scorpio trait hard to let go!)
6 Read/Write and Speak PERFECT English and Hindi
7 Be the best mom

7 things I do not enjoy:
1 Gossip (puts me off completely)
2 watching hindi movies
3 COMPANY of mean people
4 COMPANY of manipulative people
5 bad language
6 lending money to people who i know have no intension of returning it ;)
7 TELE MARKETING CALLS!

7 things that attracted me to Blogging
1 Paper that I was working on for a psych course (on-line communication!)
2 Ability to express myself
3 being able to share my "stories"
4 being able to interact with people on non-physical terms
5 reading some very interesting people's blog
6 learning from others experience
7 interacting with people with different ideas, life experiences, styles...

7 things I say most often:
1 God!
2 Shoot!
3 Achchaji?
4 I am sleepy!
5 Can I get back to you on that? (Non-commital!)
6 Hi there!
7 Ok! (But ever since oz's inspiring blog have consciously tried to cut down on it!)


7 Books I like (most)

1 What the body remembers
2 A suitable boy
3 Burmese days
4 1984
5 The great gatsby
6 Pride and prejudice
7 Autobiography of a Yogi

7 Movies I want to watch
1 Gone with the wind
2 Roman holidays
3 Any movie based on John Grisham's novels that I haven't watched
4 History inspired movies
5 Funny movies
6 Sleepless in Seatle
7 Umraojaan (Rekha one!)
(I know, I sucked at this...not much of a movie buff!)

7 pieces of Music I enjoy
1 I will survive
2 Holding out for a hero
3 It must have been love
4 Whats love got to do with it
5 Believe
6 Aap yun faslon se gujarte rahe
7 kya khoob lagti ho...

Nothing!

Kaal pata nahi kyun rona aa raha tha...koi reason nahi...no one said anything, nothing happened, and here I was working and all of a sudden, this depression takes over and tears just start coming! Washed my face and came back to my desk...psyched myself into focusing on work -the fact that I have lots of it helped! Later in the evening went home switched on the t.v nothing good, so switch on my lappy and still nothing, the hangover just won't go away, so just lay there in my work cloths and shoes for a few minutes and the next thing you know its 7:30 a.m in the morning! No change of cloths, no taking off shoes, no dinner, not even chai! It was as if something took over!
So this morning, had shower in my so-called refreshing lavender sented body wash, put on casuals (Its friday!) rushed to work, all the time thinking now that I have my 12 hour sleep I should be bright eyed but no...


...fir bhee jo tum door rahate ho mujh seto rahate hain dil pe udaasee ke saaye
koii khwaab unche makaanon se jhanaanke
koii khwaab baithhaa rahe, sar jhukaye
kabhee dil kee raahon mane faile andheraa
kabhee door tak roshanee muskuraye
magar fir bhee is baat kaa to yakin hai
Mujhe pyaar tumse nahi hai nahi hai....

Trying to psych myself into snapping out of it!

live and learn!

I was running out of my fav lipstick...its been almost an year since I bought it! So I head to the lancome counter, take out my extensively used lipstick and ask the person.."Hi, I am looking for this shade" she takes it gives it a quick glance and says, "We don't make this any more!"
I go "NOOOOO!!! Really???"
she: "We have this new line..."
me: "I want exactly this colour and texture"
she: Lets try a few shall we?
me: quick glace at the watch...its my lunch time you see! Okay
She showed me about 10 lipsticks but nothing came close.
So we gave up!
she: You might want to try it at this place they might just have it from the last batch!
(So I am headed-atleast planned- there sometime soon)
Lesson learned if you like something get it...it might not be available for too long!

Another thing that I re-learned this week is that I should listen to my head...its there for a reason! I tend to make emotional decisions, and always regret them I remember for a few months and then I am back to being STUPID!
Lesson learned hopefully for good!

And things fall in place!

With due apologies to Chinua Achebe!
So life has its ups and downs, sometimes they may seem overwhelming, you feel this is the end of the world for me, now I am just toast (trying to keep it light at the same time :)
And then you look back a few days later and see everything has worked out just fine! The problems, were problems as long as you saw them that way...but they were opportunities too...although in disguise.

This person I know was in a situation the last time I met him, he was all tensed up...with a "Aab kya hoga" look. And I was tensed for him too...and today when I talked to him, he has come to terms with it and planning things in life...I am so happy for him...

Tagged?

After reading Flowers tag...I gave it a thought...first of all I couldn't believe I had never given this a thought before! I guess I am a pragmatic sort of a person! Even when I tried, I couldn't conjure up any qualities! So instead of 8 qualities, here are 8 pics...and the qualities that I admire in them!
1. HIM...

2. Richard Gere...besides the obivious...inclination towards spirituality
3 Matt Dameon...again besides the obivious, his intelligence, his personality

4. Amitabh Bachchan for his charisma

5. Mr. Darcy ( fictional character)
6. Suniel Shetty
7. Kevin for his sense of humor
8.And of course him

Any Guesses?

Guess who I saw in my dreams (Odd question you think? Well not really...because you all know him!...Here is a hint its is not Vishal!)

Desire are dangerous

I have been told that my writing lacks "Tang/Zing" and that I should let go of the "good girl" syndrome...
So Here is an attempt!

I am scared of myself
I am capable of so much
Of loving and lusting
Of devotion and seduction

I am scared of my own dark side
From a damsel in distress to seductress?
I am scared of my own desires
To possess, to destroy, to annhilate...

It is all so easy...to entrap you
A mere gaze has you in captivity!
What if i were to caress your lips with mine?
What if I were to whisper in your ears?

No, for I know
Desires are dangerous
So lets just play this game...
This flirty little game...

Where is everyone?

This year bloggers that I read are kind of out of touch...Nandu-ji deleted his blog all together!!! Put it back up...Nandu!
Flower and Jeenu haven't posted anything since last year!
Bhole-ji hasn't posted anything since the new year!
Gi posted today after a looong while!...and the info he provided me is of no consequence to me :P

So if it weren't for Rosie, Punds, and Oz where would i get my daily dose of blogs???


Pretty pissed of at myself today...xyz said "Hi Beautiful, wanna come with us for lunch..." and I don't know what made me say no! Gosh...before I could take back my words he was gone!!! Shooooot!!!

But there was something good about today...a very sweet kid said "Namaste vi Didi to me! Made my day :)

vi

Happiness?

This year I plan to enjoy my life....jawani phir na aaye! And lets face it I am not getting any younger here! Hehehe JK!
Actually I am really surprised at myself...nothing makes me happy anymore. Not that I whine all the time or anything but nothing really makes me "jump with joy" kinda happy!

So there was this thing that I wanted for the last couple of freakin years! It was always on my mind...and I had always felt when I get that I will be the happiest person! Well that day came and went...I didn't feel any joy...just a sigh of relief!
And thats the way I have been for a while....I remember getting into a prestigious educational institute before getting the admin I was like...kaash yahab admission mil jaye...and it happened and all I felt was relief! No jubilation, no celebrations just plain relief!
Then I was like maan, if only I would get that job...got it...again relief....

Now I am thinking ki wildest dream....