Time For Change?

Change is difficult (I hate change even if it is for the better!) And I know it is for the better...better job and career prospects.
I have been approached for a job that is a step up in terms of responsibility (people manager) money (15% increase), quality of life (closer to home) but I can't bring myself to take it! I reasoned with myself, cajoled myself but nope! I am scared of any kind of change, especially moving from a team of people who I care about (in non- HR violation kinda way! if you know what I mean!).
D thinks its weird to have such emotional dependency on co-workers (and he would love for me to quit my current job). May be he is right. But consider this:
I have a headache I am not only given a Tylenol, told to leave early, but dropped off and immediate work taken care of.
I can count on my team for anything - including covering for each other when late for meeting, or late on project deliverable (including staying longer hours to help each other)
Genuine happiness when something good happens to one of us (including promotions, engagements, awards etc)
Complete trust in each others intentions and capabilities
I have my boss's and colleagues personal cell phone numbers if I need them for work and non-work related
I can vent without repercussions (we have this "talk to me" sessions when one of needs to vent).
YW and Xyz have on more then one occasion "fought" for me without asking to be fought for.

Somethings are priceless...but I still know I have to move on :(( eventually...just not ready yet.

I believe in fairy tales

I was always a book worm, loved reading, especially fairy tales,- the ugly duckling, Cinderella...and even when I grew up I still believed in some of the things...but no fairy godmother came my way, no godfather or transformation and I had almost lost hope in fairy tales...what choice did I have...being a recluse and only expressing my opinions on my blog...I existed. Went to work and sometimes just said two sentences - Good Morning....Good Night...See you tomorrow.

And then something wonderful happened...I met not just one but two people who changed my life D and xyz.
D who transformed me into someone I can like some one who feels happy, feels beautiful, feels content with life.
xyz my guardian angel, took me out of my cocoon and help me evolve...from being known only to the person immediately next to my cubicle to a "people person" (knowing a thousand couldn't be an exaggeration). He instilled in me the confidence to believe in myself, to talk to people to express my opinions, to let other people know me...under his guidance I jumped ranks and bands to be where it would normally have taken me 5-7 years...a good career opportunity came my way today...I cannot seem to take it...the promise of money, power, status all seem lackluster compared a sense of contentment.

All in a days work

I had this meeting that I had to host today...some of the people were going to show up and the other half were going to join via web and conference line. Yesterday I deleted (accidently :(( and didn't just hit delete but shift+delete) all the things I needed for my meeting so stayed up all night to recreate that and was stressed about the meeting.
It was meeting time, I set up up everything web/conference. 5 minutes into it..no one shows up...so its me, xyz and yw in the room and then people start dialing in...so no one came in-person!
The scene was funny...I am doing the talking...xyz is rolling his eyes and/or cursing people (noise-lessly of course) who are asking questions...yw is sleepy...10 minutes into the meeting xyz brings his work (that of folding pamphlets)...and gets busy...but makes a funny face, or does a thumbs up to say I am doing well...When I got stuck (with a one-off question) somewhere yw...(who seemed to be catching up on his sleep) comes to my rescue...jumps in and handles the question. xyz, jumps in whenever he thinks authority will help! Overall things ended well and we had fun doing it!

Did I tell you I adore these guys?

Not for me

Last night xyz and y along with a few more from work were going out for drinks. I don't drink so said, 'no' when xyz asked me to join. But then felt bad about not being a sport. So I decided to join them. Everyone ordered "drinks" I ordered a pop! And it was all downhill from there...after 4-5 drinks the guys (I was the only woman) were talking loud and talking about things that I didn't particularly care for. The only good thing was it was an out door bar in the heart of downtown, among beautiful buildings, perfect weather.

I must admit I am a bore. I don't like going out, I don't like crowds, and just make it difficult for others to enjoy by not participating in conversations, in drinks or food (non-veg food).

I am comfortable with (family and close friends), listening to music, reading a book, watching a movie, walking in rain. Just being without wanting to impress with cars, homes, iphones, etc...I am born in the wrong century and living in the wrong country.

Long distance 2

So the next day was my first day at my new job. The only good thing was I was going to work with xyz and yw. There were so many new things as it was different from what I was use to doing, so I kind of had to put in 150%. (What all you have to do for money *rolls eyes*) So everything else had to take a backseat.

It took a while before it dawned on me that now it was different. Trip across India, and jetting back home, new job in a different city, everything exhausted me physically and the separation exhausted me emotionally. This continued for about a month. Then things just become routine and life goes on...We talk on yahoo everyday and we spend the whole weekend together online. With the webcam its feels we aren't that far away. I start my day by reading his offlines, and end my day by talking to him. It feels great to be loved so much...everyone tells me I have bloomed since my marriage.

Yo Yo Day

Highs Lows Highs Lows...thats what my life is. But so many highs and so many lows just since this moring (its not even 1 yet!) so last night nephew said "Mashi come earlier" so I said what the heck money comes and goes I am going home this saturday...looked up flight rates around 2K in additition to what I have already shelled out on the tickets (they are not refundable). So this morning I give him (travel agent) a call...Mez all exicted even told xyz when he called that I am going home this weekend....even called T (she is already in India!) that I am coming! Travel agent calls says no seats available and there is one for 1 jan thats like 3 K I am like can't afford it. exictment out the window! Now I have to tell T not coming :(

Had met xyz earlier this week. And he was hopeful about something. He called and said he might have good news...mez all exicted again and then an hour later he calls and the news is not that good...mez feeling really not so good. All this rollercoaster made me want to talk to someone so I dailed abc's number and darn he has his switched off...ok this day better end on a high because I am in no freakin mood to be low!

Song fit for the occasion? Zindagi kaisi hai peheli hai...kabhi ye haansey kabhi ye rulaey...

Another day

So this morning, was kind of feeling low (even though its a friday)...checked my mail...koi rutha hua hai hamse. But nothing.
At work its crazy busy, so we were pounding away. Then I just picked up the phone and dialed xyz's number...somehow T was not my first choice today.

xyz: "Yoo"
"Hi xyz, its vi" (*real name)
"Hi love...how are you, how have you been...missed ya"

vi: "Where are you?"
xyz: "Driving to work"
vi: "I will call you later then"
xyz: "No talk to me now...I want to hear how things are going with you"
vi: "Things are ok...just called to wish you happy thanksgiving...I miss you guys!"
xyz: "You want to come back to me?"
vi: "No, thats not why I called you"
xyz: "But would you come back to me, If I asked you too?"
vi: "You know, for you I would do anything"
xyz: "Even m--------" (the far of place that he works!)
vi: "just not m------"
xyz: "Are you happy?"
vi: "I am ok"
xyz: "Talk to me"
Its an open concept place so I can't really talk to him.
vi: "No, xyz I am happy..."
xyz: "Sure?"
vi: "Yes"
vi: "I just called to say hi to you"

Farewell

So march 31...my last day at --. It was also xyz last day at --.
He has worked there for 5 years...and he is very popular.... There was a cake cutting ceremony esp. for him. I forgot the time so by the time i heard the cheers it was already crowded. So i stood at the back listening to him talk about his time there...etc etc and the simultaneous going of at least 40 camra clicks when he cut the cake...he thanked everyone...through it all he saw me...standing at the back...and gestured to come to him. I nodded and he put his arms out...so i walked passed the crowd and went to him...and very naturally a hug followed. In front of everyone...And before I realised everyone's eyes were on me...or at least thats the feeling i got...
People hung around for about 20 minutes xyz opened his present and thanked everyone...then he started to cry...and got really emotional...told everyone thanks...please go back to work now...everyone dispersed some with tears in their eyes...I went back and told him, I want a pic with you...he said sure. So A took our pic, then P called everyone and we took a pic with everyone. Then I went back to my cubicle...thought about how nice xyz had been to me....went to shops downstair and got him something I know he is fond of...I was going to his office and he was on his way out...so i said "My thank you note"
"For what hon?"
"For everything you've done for me"
"What is it?"
Its nothing just a note of thanks
He began to open it and I protested
"Don't open it here"
"Why not...whats in it?"
"Nothing"
"Ok lets go to the meeting room...you and me"
"No xyz"
He was opening the envelop again
"Please!"
"Ok but if it has something I am going to track you down at your new work place" he joked.

After work we went to this resturant. We went in the subway...it was fun.
I asked him are you sad?
"A little"
I didn't want to be clinging to him to much.
At resturant people busied themselves with beer and food...both of which I could not participate in...so in an hour or so decided to go home. I didn't want to say bye so decided to slip out but it didn't work with y and xyz. They came down to see me off...with a promise to keep in touch and hugs to last a life time we bid farewell....

The count down

10 days left...then new people new place new stuff...have this strange feeling..uncertainity...don't know what the people there will be like...I know they can't be as nice as xyz...I will miss him...everyday when I look at him I think 10 days and then I won't be seeing him anymore...and the fact that he is so affectionate makes it even more difficult.
This last year I have had so many people in my life, ...its been a hectic year 3 job changes, courses, spiritual highs, and financial highs, but emotional lows...every job is better then the last...title, money but its so damn shallow...
Recently realised how clingy I have become...seriously, clingy...its probably insecurity...but I am getting back on track every morning I tell my self...I should be grateful for what I have...and I should have faith...they say faith can move mountains...may be my faith is not that strong but I have to make it strong...
Looking back have been with this group since late Nov....
Came on "special assignment" for 3 days...during crunch time...
A week later, xyz talked to my manager and had me transfered to his team...my lucky day...gave me a better rate, closer to home and boss who calls you "beautiful","love", "honey" who (almost) always smiles, gives you a day off when you look tired, lends a shoulder to cry on, ...gives you his cellphone when you need to go somewhere you might need to be in touch, who writes recommendation letters 4 in a day! who just makes you feel special, who is just awesome, who you can't help but feel bad about leaving, who you can't stop talking about, who is a blessing! Yes, he is a blessing because I was at a point when I needed that job desperately for various reasons, when I was going insane commuting 3 hours each day, I prayed to durga ma and to Shiva to help and that help came in the form of xyz. So he is a blessing!

whats going on

The more I get the more empty I feel. This year has been good...got my pr, got a fantastic job, but why can't I enjoy these moments, why am I so depressed? Aur kya chahiye mujhe? I should enjoy what i have, I am young, independent, if I want I can have the time of my life but all I do recently is mop...kya ho gaya hai mujhe? Today xyz asked me...you must be excited about this job, I tried to fake the enthu and said "Yes" but he saw through that...My other co-worker he is also a terrific guy...said "with your skill-set you can kick ass!" that did bring a smile on my face...thanks YW, and xyz...you guys are the best!

Pata nahi aisa kyun lagta hai...there is nothing to live for...

xyz

Today, things went out of hand...today things collapsed...today things fall apart...got to work but the water works wouldn't stop...afternoon again and then mentor was explaining things and i felt this dizzyness, this tightness this sinking feeling...i was about to collapse he called others and then xyz and i had a little chat...he said...I am not your manager...I am your friend tell me whats going on...I said personal stuff...he insisted..."you have not been your self lately honey". Then he said give me a hug...i hesitated...he said do you mind? I said no. He is just awesome...he told me...i am here if you need me...a very platonic i love you xyz!
Insisted that i take the day off tomarrow...I might...

Where is everyone?

This year bloggers that I read are kind of out of touch...Nandu-ji deleted his blog all together!!! Put it back up...Nandu!
Flower and Jeenu haven't posted anything since last year!
Bhole-ji hasn't posted anything since the new year!
Gi posted today after a looong while!...and the info he provided me is of no consequence to me :P

So if it weren't for Rosie, Punds, and Oz where would i get my daily dose of blogs???


Pretty pissed of at myself today...xyz said "Hi Beautiful, wanna come with us for lunch..." and I don't know what made me say no! Gosh...before I could take back my words he was gone!!! Shooooot!!!

But there was something good about today...a very sweet kid said "Namaste vi Didi to me! Made my day :)

vi