Shaadi ke baad

I was mad at D for some trivial reason. But couldn't stay mad when he said "I am not scared of earthquake, tornado, hurricane I am only scared of my wife's "Krodh" kali ma ban ke baithi ho! I smiled...even laughed despite being pissed.

And D stop reading my blog!

Time For Change?

Change is difficult (I hate change even if it is for the better!) And I know it is for the better...better job and career prospects.
I have been approached for a job that is a step up in terms of responsibility (people manager) money (15% increase), quality of life (closer to home) but I can't bring myself to take it! I reasoned with myself, cajoled myself but nope! I am scared of any kind of change, especially moving from a team of people who I care about (in non- HR violation kinda way! if you know what I mean!).
D thinks its weird to have such emotional dependency on co-workers (and he would love for me to quit my current job). May be he is right. But consider this:
I have a headache I am not only given a Tylenol, told to leave early, but dropped off and immediate work taken care of.
I can count on my team for anything - including covering for each other when late for meeting, or late on project deliverable (including staying longer hours to help each other)
Genuine happiness when something good happens to one of us (including promotions, engagements, awards etc)
Complete trust in each others intentions and capabilities
I have my boss's and colleagues personal cell phone numbers if I need them for work and non-work related
I can vent without repercussions (we have this "talk to me" sessions when one of needs to vent).
YW and Xyz have on more then one occasion "fought" for me without asking to be fought for.

Somethings are priceless...but I still know I have to move on :(( eventually...just not ready yet.

All in a days work

I had this meeting that I had to host today...some of the people were going to show up and the other half were going to join via web and conference line. Yesterday I deleted (accidently :(( and didn't just hit delete but shift+delete) all the things I needed for my meeting so stayed up all night to recreate that and was stressed about the meeting.
It was meeting time, I set up up everything web/conference. 5 minutes into it..no one shows up...so its me, xyz and yw in the room and then people start dialing in...so no one came in-person!
The scene was funny...I am doing the talking...xyz is rolling his eyes and/or cursing people (noise-lessly of course) who are asking questions...yw is sleepy...10 minutes into the meeting xyz brings his work (that of folding pamphlets)...and gets busy...but makes a funny face, or does a thumbs up to say I am doing well...When I got stuck (with a one-off question) somewhere yw...(who seemed to be catching up on his sleep) comes to my rescue...jumps in and handles the question. xyz, jumps in whenever he thinks authority will help! Overall things ended well and we had fun doing it!

Did I tell you I adore these guys?

Deeeee

I had my share of crushes, heartaches, heart breaks and occasional happy moments. Looking back I always thought of my prince charming to be this hunk tall dark and handsome, highly successful, intelligent, popular at the same time religious (hehehe) (the list is long). Someone on the lines of Mr Darcy (Imagine Colin Firth here not some Henderson dude thank you!)...a brown version of...You get the picture! I mean it was always unrealistic it was fantasy and even in reality I choose the most unattainable guy to fall in love with (if you are a regular you know who!)

But being married to D is so refreshing....so real...so natural. He is human, he is down to earth, he is simple with no airs, he isn't romantic in the sweep-you-off-your-feet-kind of way but he tries (like going for walks in the evening and buying me flowers :) (oh oh did I tell you he took me to see the Taj Mahal) . It got me thinking at the end of the day, what I think I wanted and what I really wanted are two different things...if you ask me now...I would take integrity and a warm heart over anything any day.

BTW, Happy Dashera folks, hope you had a nice navratri!

Trip 2 Day 1 first half

There were more butterflies in my stomach this time then last. My flight landed in the wee hours of the morning, it was late by 3 or so hours.
As I came out I saw D, calm and quite in the first row. "P...." he called me by my nickname (dak nam in bengali :))
I didn't see dad or mom with him. He took the trolley from me, no hug no kiss, just a smile.
"How are you handsome?" I enquired.
He mumbled something, and added Dad is here, I took a step back, Dad was there so I went and hugged him.
D and I were sitting in the back. He had discretely enclosed my hand in his. And a certain look with it conveyed that he had missed me as much as I had missed him. We talked about trivial things like the weather.

Got home mom was waiting...with breakfast prep in full swing. My mom's way of expressing her love. My sister called and said she had to restrain herself for not coming because she wanted to give D and me some alone time! But she came within 2 hours, just as I had finished bathing and eating.

D didn't get an opportunity to talk(?) to me in private...after some effort on his part (mom, sister and nephew in other room) he held me close and told me how much he missed me and how his attempts to receive me at the airport all by himself had failed :)). He just managed a quick peck when my 5 year old could be heard headding to our room...

I had the time of my life...and coming back was as difficult if not more then last time.

Not for me

Last night xyz and y along with a few more from work were going out for drinks. I don't drink so said, 'no' when xyz asked me to join. But then felt bad about not being a sport. So I decided to join them. Everyone ordered "drinks" I ordered a pop! And it was all downhill from there...after 4-5 drinks the guys (I was the only woman) were talking loud and talking about things that I didn't particularly care for. The only good thing was it was an out door bar in the heart of downtown, among beautiful buildings, perfect weather.

I must admit I am a bore. I don't like going out, I don't like crowds, and just make it difficult for others to enjoy by not participating in conversations, in drinks or food (non-veg food).

I am comfortable with (family and close friends), listening to music, reading a book, watching a movie, walking in rain. Just being without wanting to impress with cars, homes, iphones, etc...I am born in the wrong century and living in the wrong country.

Long distance 2

So the next day was my first day at my new job. The only good thing was I was going to work with xyz and yw. There were so many new things as it was different from what I was use to doing, so I kind of had to put in 150%. (What all you have to do for money *rolls eyes*) So everything else had to take a backseat.

It took a while before it dawned on me that now it was different. Trip across India, and jetting back home, new job in a different city, everything exhausted me physically and the separation exhausted me emotionally. This continued for about a month. Then things just become routine and life goes on...We talk on yahoo everyday and we spend the whole weekend together online. With the webcam its feels we aren't that far away. I start my day by reading his offlines, and end my day by talking to him. It feels great to be loved so much...everyone tells me I have bloomed since my marriage.

Long distance - 1

***On the cold dark February night that I left Delhi, fighting back tears as I waved to Dad and to D...I felt I couldn't bear this separation this pain, I had always hated airports and goodbyes but this was by far the worst. Dad told me to be his "brave girl" and D was already so sad that I didn't want to make it more difficult for him. But as soon as I was inside the airport...I could not control my tears anymore...at that point of time I would have given up all I had worked so hard for...my "struggling" years of constantly broke student status...to job hopping to make up for the lost time and middle of the night dreams of Immigration woes!...all to be with D...with some one who I had known for a month or so. I knew I couldn't do that I had to be pragmatic...
Coming back to my breaking down at the airport prompted this older couple to come to me "Are you alright dear? Who are you leaving behind?" She guessed from my by-now-light-mehndi and chooda that it was my husband. "You just got married? Oh my dear, my dear he will join you soon" They consoled me all the way to the transit city in Europe. They came to visit me a couple of hours during the flight. And even after 7 hours my tears refused to subside...When we got down both of them hugged me and wished for me. (Talk about kindness of strangers.)

What I hate as much as flying and goodbye at airports is waiting for the connecting flight...I would say it is even worse...being in a strange land, where there was no one that you could call your own...my mind had become numb by now. I tried to call D from the airport but couldn't get through.

I finally got home...Toronto. The familiar streets provided some solace. Familiar people provided relief.
D had asked me to call him as soon as I reached home. I told him it would be around 2.30 A.M. but he had said it did not matter. So I called him as soon as I got home he picked up the phone on the second bell "P----" "Yes, I just got home" I couldn't say much, neither could he...
The next day I had to join my new job...

To be continued...depending on my mood.
***No exaggeration!

Day 1

My didi, jiju and dad had come to recieve me at the airport. I was meeting my sister after 7 years!!! She came running to me and hugged me. Jiju waved, I said namaste to him and hugged dad.
Reached home around 12.30 AM. Mom and nephews were up waiting. Nephews were bit shy in the begining but we got friendly soon enough!!! Mom was happy that I was finally where she wanted me!
Didi and family left for their place. It was just dad, mom and me. It was over 2 years since we were together. And over 7 years since I was under my fathers roof...the sense of comfort and security cant be put in words. I slept at around 3.30 got up at 6.30 to the sound of India :)
Got a call from my sister that D. had called her and wanted to know if we should meet today or tomarrow. I called him and said today is good. I wanted it to get over asap. I had talked to him for over 9 months and it was about time that we met in person. We had seen each other in pics, in video clippings but its different in person.
My mom and dad had a talk with me in which they told me that they really like him a lot. And that they would be happy if we liked each other.
I went back to sleep. He was to come in the evening. My mom woke me up an hour before he was to come and asked me to get dressed. I had a bath, shapooed/conditioned my hair, wore indian cloths, wore some face powder and lipstick and contact lens. My sister called urging me to look good, my mom insisted that i should look presentable but I stood my ground. This is how I usually am so this is how he should see me.
He came around 15 minutes late. My mom opened the door. I could over hear them my mom offered him water. And called out to me. I said a quick prayer to Durga ma and went to the living room. I said hi, he said hi vi (my nick name). I don't know if he even looked at me he immediatly took out flowers (red roses...I always wanted those) and sweets. He didn't seem to look at me may be because my scorpio gaze was too much for him. I stared at him trying to see what he actually thought of me. My mom was in the kitchen...we were alone in the living room. "So, what do you think?" I startled him ;) He said, "You look much more beautiful in person then in pictures and video clippings." He paused and then asked what about you? (Meaning do you like me?) I said yes. (He looked much better in person then in pictures too-- advise to the rest of you never judge a person by photo alone) As if on cue my mom brought refreshments (I have a feeling she was tuned in). I finished my drink and went in my mom asked him, and he said its yes from her too!
He called out for me and I joined them in the living room again. This time I had a cardigan and shawl wrapped around me (Delhi is cold!!! teeth chattering cold!)
His mom called on his cell phone, he talked to her in a language I don't understand but I could see that he was happy. His mom talked to me. She asked if I liked her son...(how could I not he is TDH personified). I saw affection in his eyes, they twinkled brighter then the polar star!

That night I couldn't sleep until 4 am. I knew I had just met my husband. The man that I would spend the rest of my life with....

***After the wedding he told me that he missed his metro stop because he was mesmerized with me that I was so much more prettier in person ---- I like to believe he was being honest and not just being nice ;)***

Yo Yo Day

Highs Lows Highs Lows...thats what my life is. But so many highs and so many lows just since this moring (its not even 1 yet!) so last night nephew said "Mashi come earlier" so I said what the heck money comes and goes I am going home this saturday...looked up flight rates around 2K in additition to what I have already shelled out on the tickets (they are not refundable). So this morning I give him (travel agent) a call...Mez all exicted even told xyz when he called that I am going home this weekend....even called T (she is already in India!) that I am coming! Travel agent calls says no seats available and there is one for 1 jan thats like 3 K I am like can't afford it. exictment out the window! Now I have to tell T not coming :(

Had met xyz earlier this week. And he was hopeful about something. He called and said he might have good news...mez all exicted again and then an hour later he calls and the news is not that good...mez feeling really not so good. All this rollercoaster made me want to talk to someone so I dailed abc's number and darn he has his switched off...ok this day better end on a high because I am in no freakin mood to be low!

Song fit for the occasion? Zindagi kaisi hai peheli hai...kabhi ye haansey kabhi ye rulaey...

Count down!

Less then a month left for me to fly home!
My suitcase is packed and ready to go (already) I must say I am very excited. I have gone shopping every single day for the last month. Got my newphews a PSP and video games, books, toys, cloths (I have yet to get them chocolates!) Since one of them has never met me and the other was a baby they don't remember me so I have to make a good impression ;)

But I think I have bought the most amount of things for myself! not-my-type sleepwear (whats wrong with me?) and other fancy shmancy stuff (really what is wrong with me?) and Tons of cosmetics. There is more then necessary red in my wordrobe...

And I have such huge plans to see the Taj mahal, go to Vaishnu Devi, explore Delhi, eat yummy food. I can't wait! I am surprised at my own enthu :) so little time so much to do!

Another day

So this morning, was kind of feeling low (even though its a friday)...checked my mail...koi rutha hua hai hamse. But nothing.
At work its crazy busy, so we were pounding away. Then I just picked up the phone and dialed xyz's number...somehow T was not my first choice today.

xyz: "Yoo"
"Hi xyz, its vi" (*real name)
"Hi love...how are you, how have you been...missed ya"

vi: "Where are you?"
xyz: "Driving to work"
vi: "I will call you later then"
xyz: "No talk to me now...I want to hear how things are going with you"
vi: "Things are ok...just called to wish you happy thanksgiving...I miss you guys!"
xyz: "You want to come back to me?"
vi: "No, thats not why I called you"
xyz: "But would you come back to me, If I asked you too?"
vi: "You know, for you I would do anything"
xyz: "Even m--------" (the far of place that he works!)
vi: "just not m------"
xyz: "Are you happy?"
vi: "I am ok"
xyz: "Talk to me"
Its an open concept place so I can't really talk to him.
vi: "No, xyz I am happy..."
xyz: "Sure?"
vi: "Yes"
vi: "I just called to say hi to you"

A few months...can make all the difference...

A few months can make so much of a difference....from barren, lifeless and cold...to vibrant with life, luscious green...not just the environment but life too :D
From Khiza

To Fiza

Sabotager!!!

So this "friend" asked me out...it was a long weekend and i thought i should take a break from the weekend routine of cooking cleaning and socialize a bit, so I said yes.
I was running late so called him up to let him know I would be around 20 min late. I get there on the revised time...I extend my hand he goes for the hug...awkward!!!
We worked together...last job...so naturally we talk about that place...and you know me...I talk a lot about xyz...so this guy is bored, irritated. We managed to talk about other things but I know I have already sabotaged the situation. 2.5 hours later...he walked me back to my place...we shook hands :))

Farewell

So march 31...my last day at --. It was also xyz last day at --.
He has worked there for 5 years...and he is very popular.... There was a cake cutting ceremony esp. for him. I forgot the time so by the time i heard the cheers it was already crowded. So i stood at the back listening to him talk about his time there...etc etc and the simultaneous going of at least 40 camra clicks when he cut the cake...he thanked everyone...through it all he saw me...standing at the back...and gestured to come to him. I nodded and he put his arms out...so i walked passed the crowd and went to him...and very naturally a hug followed. In front of everyone...And before I realised everyone's eyes were on me...or at least thats the feeling i got...
People hung around for about 20 minutes xyz opened his present and thanked everyone...then he started to cry...and got really emotional...told everyone thanks...please go back to work now...everyone dispersed some with tears in their eyes...I went back and told him, I want a pic with you...he said sure. So A took our pic, then P called everyone and we took a pic with everyone. Then I went back to my cubicle...thought about how nice xyz had been to me....went to shops downstair and got him something I know he is fond of...I was going to his office and he was on his way out...so i said "My thank you note"
"For what hon?"
"For everything you've done for me"
"What is it?"
Its nothing just a note of thanks
He began to open it and I protested
"Don't open it here"
"Why not...whats in it?"
"Nothing"
"Ok lets go to the meeting room...you and me"
"No xyz"
He was opening the envelop again
"Please!"
"Ok but if it has something I am going to track you down at your new work place" he joked.

After work we went to this resturant. We went in the subway...it was fun.
I asked him are you sad?
"A little"
I didn't want to be clinging to him to much.
At resturant people busied themselves with beer and food...both of which I could not participate in...so in an hour or so decided to go home. I didn't want to say bye so decided to slip out but it didn't work with y and xyz. They came down to see me off...with a promise to keep in touch and hugs to last a life time we bid farewell....

Ups and downs

After a long time actually felt happy today...my eyes for once twinkled with happiness!
Actually feeling calm after the dream...on saturday night...it soothed my nerves...

Monday morning so did shiv pooja...
Karpoor Gouram Karunnaavataram Sansaar Saaram Bhujgendra Haaram.
Sadaa Vasantam Hridyaarvrinde Bhavam Bhavaani Sahitam Namaami.
Mangalam baghwan shambo mangalam ....

So the day started on a good note...
got to work and got quite a bit done by 11.00 had a meeting with the other company's HR so when I was leaving xyz came out-he knew where i was going...so he said "All the best love" I said thanks....
Met the other company HR rep and finally signed the job offer -after contemplating, bargaining/negotiating for weeks..-so come April 3rd me off to "our competitors"

Came back to work around 12.10 no time for lunch vaise bhi no biggie...got some work done...
xyz came by...and asked for an update..."almost done!"...he wanted it done by march 31...so he was very happy...he knelt in front of me and said "I love you. I love you...for all the work" it was so funny...

Apart from work and everyday life feeling much better...calmness...to the level of serenity...haven't even worn crazy lip colours this week!


I'm gonna live for ever
I'm gonna learn how to fly
I feel it coming together...

Love this song...does anyone have it???
Why do I get a feeling this high won't last...?

whats going on

The more I get the more empty I feel. This year has been good...got my pr, got a fantastic job, but why can't I enjoy these moments, why am I so depressed? Aur kya chahiye mujhe? I should enjoy what i have, I am young, independent, if I want I can have the time of my life but all I do recently is mop...kya ho gaya hai mujhe? Today xyz asked me...you must be excited about this job, I tried to fake the enthu and said "Yes" but he saw through that...My other co-worker he is also a terrific guy...said "with your skill-set you can kick ass!" that did bring a smile on my face...thanks YW, and xyz...you guys are the best!

Pata nahi aisa kyun lagta hai...there is nothing to live for...

couple of things

Another tupsy turvy week...heady mix of emotions and facts! And its just wednesday. For the last one year I have been working as a contractor, not that I had much of a choice but I took contracts because I didn't want to commit to anything, so last week when I was offered a Full time Permanent job (No such thing as that!) I didn't know what I wanted to do. But today its clear, I am going to accept their offer! One unpleasant job remaining, to tell xyz that I am leaving, I hate saying good byes, I am really bad at it! My eyes start leaking, my voice changes, my throat hurts and then I am gloomy for a good month!
I tried telling myself, the pay is much better, but money is not everything, I would pick people over money any day!

live and learn!

I was running out of my fav lipstick...its been almost an year since I bought it! So I head to the lancome counter, take out my extensively used lipstick and ask the person.."Hi, I am looking for this shade" she takes it gives it a quick glance and says, "We don't make this any more!"
I go "NOOOOO!!! Really???"
she: "We have this new line..."
me: "I want exactly this colour and texture"
she: Lets try a few shall we?
me: quick glace at the watch...its my lunch time you see! Okay
She showed me about 10 lipsticks but nothing came close.
So we gave up!
she: You might want to try it at this place they might just have it from the last batch!
(So I am headed-atleast planned- there sometime soon)
Lesson learned if you like something get it...it might not be available for too long!

Another thing that I re-learned this week is that I should listen to my head...its there for a reason! I tend to make emotional decisions, and always regret them I remember for a few months and then I am back to being STUPID!
Lesson learned hopefully for good!

Where is everyone?

This year bloggers that I read are kind of out of touch...Nandu-ji deleted his blog all together!!! Put it back up...Nandu!
Flower and Jeenu haven't posted anything since last year!
Bhole-ji hasn't posted anything since the new year!
Gi posted today after a looong while!...and the info he provided me is of no consequence to me :P

So if it weren't for Rosie, Punds, and Oz where would i get my daily dose of blogs???


Pretty pissed of at myself today...xyz said "Hi Beautiful, wanna come with us for lunch..." and I don't know what made me say no! Gosh...before I could take back my words he was gone!!! Shooooot!!!

But there was something good about today...a very sweet kid said "Namaste vi Didi to me! Made my day :)

vi