****Fiction****

Vishali stared outside for a while, not at anything in particular, just outside, it was one of those gloomy days…nothing new to the life she had chosen…or was it the other way round, the life that had chosen her.
She contemplated over things, about life, about people, about herself…mostly about herself. Last week had seen her soul crush. She never knew she was capable of hitting rock bottom. She never knew she was so weak, so vulnerable, so damn pathetic, yes pathetic was the word…downright pathetic is what she had become, out of nowhere this depression striked her, “What have I become? Shiva?” The tears flowed like the ganges, pure emotion, pure energy. Tears of humiliation, tears of profound sorrow, tears of loss…loss of self-respect...What have I become shiva? The silent question. She asked the most virile god in the galaxy of gods she prayed to. She never fancied herself as a godess, but she always believed Shiva had a plan for her. Yes, she had her idocyncracies. But she was not a complete nutcase yet…”yet” was the keyword.
In a long time she had contemplated ending it all, it would be so simple, how much easier it would be to end all this…much easier then enduring it, she thought…but she was a coward. Of course, thinking of all the people it would effect was cowardness. Just excuses…who was she kidding she just did not have it in her…and to think she had no right to spoil the lives of those connected to her...was just a pretext!

Between all this, she heard this voice….”You have made it!” She laughed out loud at that…”made it” referred to having an american green card, a good education, a good job, and enough money to buy a house but for whom? For what? This “made it”, was a farce, she knew she didn’t make it, it all just happened, she never did anything to make it happen, it was no accomplishment…

And here she was thinking of throwing it all away...may be she didn’t value it…because she did nothing to get it. Here she was, unable to manage her life…her emotions…sobbing in someone else’s arms…just losing it! Over what? Because nothing had happened. Just feeling sorry for herself! She was ashamed of it, really ashamed…she was still gazing outside…it had turned completely dark, there was a stillness in the air…stillness all around…stillness…this stillness bothered her…but all she had to do was switch on the lights, start the music, and search for the strong person she had lost somewhere…the person who faced everything with courage, who had tremendous faith in herself, in her Shiva.
Where is she? She wondered. The person who told Suraj..."I do love you but love myself esteem more", Where is she who not just said those words but meant them, who never looked back after that day!

She needed to find her back...if she were ever to look in the mirror...

(Just wanted to write an intense piece people...:) is it?...intense that is? Also, inspiration for this came from Oz’s piece on confused desi’s...