Still thinking!...Trying to stop thinking

ramblings at 2.08 AM

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 06:37:00 +0000

When I was young(er?) all i ever wanted is what was the norm, the part that everyone takes for granted - a loving husband & kids. I strived for normalcy in my life. I was smart and if I had put my mind to it I could have been an ias, prof., lawyer or something but i never valued any of it. Today as I move up the ladder (or pushed up the ladder career-wise) I am happy but not elated. When people push me towards higher-paying jobs, better houses, (materialism in short) I don't know how to explain it to them that i never valued that. Kabhi Kabhi sanyas lene ka maan karta hai but I love D too much to do that ;)

Life checklist

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 02:20:00 +0000

Finish school
Find a job
Buy a house
Get married [or get married and then buy a house]
Have kids
AND THEN?

Shaadi ke baad

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 02:51:00 +0000

I was mad at D for some trivial reason. But couldn't stay mad when he said "I am not scared of earthquake, tornado, hurricane I am only scared of my wife's "Krodh" kali ma ban ke baithi ho! I smiled...even laughed despite being pissed.

And D stop reading my blog!

Time For Change?

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:03:00 +0000

Change is difficult (I hate change even if it is for the better!) And I know it is for the better...better job and career prospects.
I have been approached for a job that is a step up in terms of responsibility (people manager) money (15% increase), quality of life (closer to home) but I can't bring myself to take it! I reasoned with myself, cajoled myself but nope! I am scared of any kind of change, especially moving from a team of people who I care about (in non- HR violation kinda way! if you know what I mean!).
D thinks its weird to have such emotional dependency on co-workers (and he would love for me to quit my current job). May be he is right. But consider this:
I have a headache I am not only given a Tylenol, told to leave early, but dropped off and immediate work taken care of.
I can count on my team for anything - including covering for each other when late for meeting, or late on project deliverable (including staying longer hours to help each other)
Genuine happiness when something good happens to one of us (including promotions, engagements, awards etc)
Complete trust in each others intentions and capabilities
I have my boss's and colleagues personal cell phone numbers if I need them for work and non-work related
I can vent without repercussions (we have this "talk to me" sessions when one of needs to vent).
YW and Xyz have on more then one occasion "fought" for me without asking to be fought for.

Somethings are priceless...but I still know I have to move on :(( eventually...just not ready yet.

I believe in fairy tales

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:35:00 +0000

I was always a book worm, loved reading, especially fairy tales,- the ugly duckling, Cinderella...and even when I grew up I still believed in some of the things...but no fairy godmother came my way, no godfather or transformation and I had almost lost hope in fairy tales...what choice did I have...being a recluse and only expressing my opinions on my blog...I existed. Went to work and sometimes just said two sentences - Good Morning....Good Night...See you tomorrow.

And then something wonderful happened...I met not just one but two people who changed my life D and xyz.
D who transformed me into someone I can like some one who feels happy, feels beautiful, feels content with life.
xyz my guardian angel, took me out of my cocoon and help me evolve...from being known only to the person immediately next to my cubicle to a "people person" (knowing a thousand couldn't be an exaggeration). He instilled in me the confidence to believe in myself, to talk to people to express my opinions, to let other people know me...under his guidance I jumped ranks and bands to be where it would normally have taken me 5-7 years...a good career opportunity came my way today...I cannot seem to take it...the promise of money, power, status all seem lackluster compared a sense of contentment.

Little goddess'

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:42:00 +0000

My earliest memory of astami is when I was around 6 year old. All I remember is an aunty ji giving me a red chunari. After that we(sis and I) were invited to a fair share of kanjaks. As a kid, we were called to more then one house the attraction was not the food but the goodies and I must admit the money :))! Now its my turn to feed kanjaks and I see a reflection of that from the little girls that I give prashad to...the goodies are the main attraction prasad is "nice to have"...that is why I make sure that the gifts are something every little girl likes...there is nothing like seeing little eyes lightup...pure bliss

Tag!

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 05:29:00 +0000

The latest tag doing the rounds is the 5thing tag (Priya, Aria, Punds have written interesting stuff check them out!
This tag was kind of difficult...cause it meant reviewing my posts ;)

Family is mom, dad, my brothers, my sisters, my nephews, jijus, bhabhis (future mein) my Dev and my ma-in-law...my unborn ...kids...lol

Friends
I have always had at least one best friend...for the last 7 years it has been T and of course my blogger buddies

Myself...
I am emotional(fool?), sensitive, sometimes out of control, and sometimes even shararti

Love
Being a pati vrata patni (ok you've had your fit of laughter and are back reading this!) D

Anything
My work...no i don't get 6 figure salary nor is my job important - not a fire fighter, doc, nurse, teacher...just stupid IT but its an important part of my life

Time pass!

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 01:35:00 +0000

Ok people I need your help। I am completely bored of my collection of songs so need recommendation of songs from you...I am a sucker for good lyrics and senti stuff... sample this!

जीस Path pe chala us path pe mujhe aanchal tu bichane de
Tera Mera Saath Rahe
Husne-E-Jaana
Main To Pyar Se Piya tere maang sajaongi
Purva Suhani Aai Re
Mere Jeevan Saathi kali thi mein tu pyasi
Apni Ankhon Mein Basakar
Meri Tammanon ki Taqdeer
Tota Maina Ki Kahani
Sajan mera us paar hai
Aaja piya tohe pyar doon
Kaun Kaun Kitne Paani Mein
Jind Le gaya vo dil ka jani, yeh booth bejan rehgaya
Tera saath hai tu
Thaare Vaaste Re Dhola

P.S T is coming! She is the closest thing to a नन्द :) what with D not having any sibblings...

Discord - Mind has a mind of its own

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 02:27:00 +0000

Today was one of those days when you can't comprehend what exactly you want in life.
I am not saying I have everything, but I have what I always wanted - a normal peaceful life- but never really believed I will have.
For the last few years whenever I felt depressed I had/gave-it a reason immigration woes (no longer an issue), financial unstability (basically living of Dad's money/career establishment (no longer an issue), someone to love me unconditionally (no longer an issue), everyone I care for is healthy and happy...There isn't anything thats lacking then why do I feel so depressed, I have no reason but I feel so low so low that I wonder what is there to live for.

All in a days work

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 02:11:00 +0000

I had this meeting that I had to host today...some of the people were going to show up and the other half were going to join via web and conference line. Yesterday I deleted (accidently :(( and didn't just hit delete but shift+delete) all the things I needed for my meeting so stayed up all night to recreate that and was stressed about the meeting.
It was meeting time, I set up up everything web/conference. 5 minutes into it..no one shows up...so its me, xyz and yw in the room and then people start dialing in...so no one came in-person!
The scene was funny...I am doing the talking...xyz is rolling his eyes and/or cursing people (noise-lessly of course) who are asking questions...yw is sleepy...10 minutes into the meeting xyz brings his work (that of folding pamphlets)...and gets busy...but makes a funny face, or does a thumbs up to say I am doing well...When I got stuck (with a one-off question) somewhere yw...(who seemed to be catching up on his sleep) comes to my rescue...jumps in and handles the question. xyz, jumps in whenever he thinks authority will help! Overall things ended well and we had fun doing it!

Did I tell you I adore these guys?

Deeeee

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 01:05:00 +0000

I had my share of crushes, heartaches, heart breaks and occasional happy moments. Looking back I always thought of my prince charming to be this hunk tall dark and handsome, highly successful, intelligent, popular at the same time religious (hehehe) (the list is long). Someone on the lines of Mr Darcy (Imagine Colin Firth here not some Henderson dude thank you!)...a brown version of...You get the picture! I mean it was always unrealistic it was fantasy and even in reality I choose the most unattainable guy to fall in love with (if you are a regular you know who!)

But being married to D is so refreshing....so real...so natural. He is human, he is down to earth, he is simple with no airs, he isn't romantic in the sweep-you-off-your-feet-kind of way but he tries (like going for walks in the evening and buying me flowers :) (oh oh did I tell you he took me to see the Taj Mahal) . It got me thinking at the end of the day, what I think I wanted and what I really wanted are two different things...if you ask me now...I would take integrity and a warm heart over anything any day.

BTW, Happy Dashera folks, hope you had a nice navratri!

Trip 2 Day 1 first half

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 22:22:00 +0000

There were more butterflies in my stomach this time then last. My flight landed in the wee hours of the morning, it was late by 3 or so hours.
As I came out I saw D, calm and quite in the first row. "P...." he called me by my nickname (dak nam in bengali :))
I didn't see dad or mom with him. He took the trolley from me, no hug no kiss, just a smile.
"How are you handsome?" I enquired.
He mumbled something, and added Dad is here, I took a step back, Dad was there so I went and hugged him.
D and I were sitting in the back. He had discretely enclosed my hand in his. And a certain look with it conveyed that he had missed me as much as I had missed him. We talked about trivial things like the weather.

Got home mom was waiting...with breakfast prep in full swing. My mom's way of expressing her love. My sister called and said she had to restrain herself for not coming because she wanted to give D and me some alone time! But she came within 2 hours, just as I had finished bathing and eating.

D didn't get an opportunity to talk(?) to me in private...after some effort on his part (mom, sister and nephew in other room) he held me close and told me how much he missed me and how his attempts to receive me at the airport all by himself had failed :)). He just managed a quick peck when my 5 year old could be heard headding to our room...

I had the time of my life...and coming back was as difficult if not more then last time.

Delhi...no?

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:33:00 +0000

Didn't mean to ignore my blog...its been a while and since I might not get a chance to update it next week...thought I should write a few lines!
Its been just over 6 months and I already have my suitcase packed to go to India (some people think I am loaded...unfortunately not). Usually going to India was going to Delhi but now things have changed...of the 25 or so days I will spend just 4-5 days in Delhi. D and I don't fight (thats what happens when you marry late) so this was a rare thing our argument over where to stay....lets just say we sorted out a win-win situation ;)

You know things have changed when

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 03:12:00 +0000

You know things have changed when...

gadgets for the kitchen are on your to-buy/wish list
you buy a food processor with the money you were going to buy ipod video with
you spent the most amount of time in the furniture section of the store
you buy cloths for yourself in someone else's favorite colour
you think about everyone else before yourself
your plans are not only your plans
you spend your free time perfecting recipes
your prayers are more thanking then asking

Not for me

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 23:00:00 +0000

Last night xyz and y along with a few more from work were going out for drinks. I don't drink so said, 'no' when xyz asked me to join. But then felt bad about not being a sport. So I decided to join them. Everyone ordered "drinks" I ordered a pop! And it was all downhill from there...after 4-5 drinks the guys (I was the only woman) were talking loud and talking about things that I didn't particularly care for. The only good thing was it was an out door bar in the heart of downtown, among beautiful buildings, perfect weather.

I must admit I am a bore. I don't like going out, I don't like crowds, and just make it difficult for others to enjoy by not participating in conversations, in drinks or food (non-veg food).

I am comfortable with (family and close friends), listening to music, reading a book, watching a movie, walking in rain. Just being without wanting to impress with cars, homes, iphones, etc...I am born in the wrong century and living in the wrong country.

Tagged!

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 00:30:00 +0000

Song: "Husn-e-jana idhar aa" song is playing in my mind for the last two days. Before this it was "Meri tammanon ki taqdeer" it seems like Mukesh is haunting me!
Lipsticks: I love to wear dark lipstick...it accentuates my white teeth. I currently have 9 lipsticks in my cosmetic bag.
School: I spent way too much time in school! And in different schools. And different courses.
Firsts: Movies: First hindi movie I saw in a movie hall was "Bombay". First English film was "Police academy." Novel: Heidi
First crush: When I was 9 (Oh if you must know...an actor!)
I me myself : I was/am the quite type. school farewell memento said "Still water runs deep" I still have that memento!
Time pass: Reading blogs is a daily routine for me! Websurfing, and music, occasional t.v.
I bite my nails :))

Phew!

Long distance 2

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 01:20:00 +0000

So the next day was my first day at my new job. The only good thing was I was going to work with xyz and yw. There were so many new things as it was different from what I was use to doing, so I kind of had to put in 150%. (What all you have to do for money *rolls eyes*) So everything else had to take a backseat.

It took a while before it dawned on me that now it was different. Trip across India, and jetting back home, new job in a different city, everything exhausted me physically and the separation exhausted me emotionally. This continued for about a month. Then things just become routine and life goes on...We talk on yahoo everyday and we spend the whole weekend together online. With the webcam its feels we aren't that far away. I start my day by reading his offlines, and end my day by talking to him. It feels great to be loved so much...everyone tells me I have bloomed since my marriage.

Long distance - 1

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 01:45:00 +0000

***On the cold dark February night that I left Delhi, fighting back tears as I waved to Dad and to D...I felt I couldn't bear this separation this pain, I had always hated airports and goodbyes but this was by far the worst. Dad told me to be his "brave girl" and D was already so sad that I didn't want to make it more difficult for him. But as soon as I was inside the airport...I could not control my tears anymore...at that point of time I would have given up all I had worked so hard for...my "struggling" years of constantly broke student status...to job hopping to make up for the lost time and middle of the night dreams of Immigration woes!...all to be with D...with some one who I had known for a month or so. I knew I couldn't do that I had to be pragmatic...
Coming back to my breaking down at the airport prompted this older couple to come to me "Are you alright dear? Who are you leaving behind?" She guessed from my by-now-light-mehndi and chooda that it was my husband. "You just got married? Oh my dear, my dear he will join you soon" They consoled me all the way to the transit city in Europe. They came to visit me a couple of hours during the flight. And even after 7 hours my tears refused to subside...When we got down both of them hugged me and wished for me. (Talk about kindness of strangers.)

What I hate as much as flying and goodbye at airports is waiting for the connecting flight...I would say it is even worse...being in a strange land, where there was no one that you could call your own...my mind had become numb by now. I tried to call D from the airport but couldn't get through.

I finally got home...Toronto. The familiar streets provided some solace. Familiar people provided relief.
D had asked me to call him as soon as I reached home. I told him it would be around 2.30 A.M. but he had said it did not matter. So I called him as soon as I got home he picked up the phone on the second bell "P----" "Yes, I just got home" I couldn't say much, neither could he...
The next day I had to join my new job...

To be continued...depending on my mood.
***No exaggeration!

Permanent writers block

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 03:06:00 +0000

T had told D that I write well(?) So D is like write something for me. The thing is writing for me is an outlet...most of my writing/fiction revolved around Vishal because he was unattainable and it was in fiction that I could make him do what I wanted ;)

Now that vishal is history (I am over him) and D loves me more then I can ask for there is no need for fiction so how do I write something for him? But I had promised him I would so I have been thinking and thinking...but I can't seem to write...I am usually so exhaused after work-and ghar-ka kaam that I have lost my ability to write anything worth reading.... :( except blogs :)) or may be not even those :)

Its been almost an year since I wrote a piece of fiction...I try but nothing comes to mind.

Beautiful...in your eyes

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 00:52:00 +0000

Punds blog kind of inspired this...
When I was 20 year old (thats like gazzilions of years ago!) I had a waistline that I can only dream of now *Sigh* I had dense hair, clear skin and big bright beautiful eyes...but I felt I was not pretty. Now, years later that waistline is an elusive dream(...and suffice to says eyes, hair and skin have seen better days too) but now I don't believe people are mocking me when they say "Beautiful" because...I know better now...

I feel my nephew is the cutest and pretiest kid in the world...because I just don't see him i see all his shararats
I feel abc is the most dashing because...abc held my head and kept my hair out of the way when I was throwing up (Sorry to gross you!)
I feel Delhi is the most beautiful city...I see it from the lens of sweet memories

(And I don't particularly find efg that beautiful since I saw efg shouting and humiliating efg's spouse in front of everyone...)

I know I am "beautiful"* in the eyes of some people...

*(Shoot can't even claim I am gorgeous since most of you have seen me!)

Song fit for the occasion....and a dedication to all the beautiful people in the world...they just don't know that they are the most beautiful in someones eyes :)

You’re my piece of mind, in this crazy world
You’re every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa (or the male equalent)
You’re my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

A bunch of things

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 00:28:00 +0000

The other day, the topic at lunch was "how we met" stories. So everyone had a fasinating story of how they met their spouse, most claimed to have "known the minute they met" but not necessarily love at first sight (?) that was kind of fasinating.
So when it came to me...I just said "It was an arranged marriage" and it was almost end of lunch time...sure enough everyone wanted to know all about! Arranged marriage fasinates these folks so much! Mostly questions around "how do you know if he is right for you?" My answer, well most of you claimed to know the minute you met them, and secondly, do you really know people when you say you know them (I have been wrong plenty of times in that department)...

Your thoughts?
And any interesting "How we met stories"?

For T

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 00:48:00 +0000

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

We all have some people in our lives that we can count on...mostly its family...occasionally its friends. I don't claim to have many, but among the onces I do, T has a place no one else does. It was sometime last year that she called me, and from the sound of my voice realized I was feeling down. I remember her attempts to cheer me up...great new job, independent, young, etc but it didn't work...I had freshly realised people did not see me the way I saw myself. Not many people see you the true you but some make the effort...(and in return I can only give her my friendship and well wishes)

T knows me extremely well...she knows me since 2000...7 years! She knows D's family for generations. She told D about me. She told D's family about me...and when they were convinced she told me about D. I was skeptical, but I knew T wouldn't bring up anything casually she must have a pretty good reason to introduce us (and she did!)

So it was her in her mind that D and I first met. Through this post I just want to say thanks T for everything...first for being a wonderful friend and more recently for bringing D into my life.

Ma in Law

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Thu, 24 May 2007 01:19:00 +0000

Mother in law is such a funny set of words...its like there is something legal about it! But its better then "saas" and the connotation that goes with it. I had never heard anything good about mother in laws from anyone...from my sis, my cousins, my friends they all cribbed about m-i-ls. But I had made up my mind to "deconstruct" all preconcieved notions and give the most important woman in D's life a fair chance and I expected the same from her.

So I was as nervous about meeting D as I was about meeting his mom.
She had come to Delhi few days before our wedding. She was expecting me to recieve her but I couldn't. So the first time I met her was at my wedding (Although I had talked to her over the phone a couple of times). So on that day...this lady comes to me and she has the biggest smile and she said "I am mummy" She kept looking at me for a while! And I could tell she liked what she saw (hehe). She talked to the others from their side I couldn't understand much of what they said but seemed like things were good (Sigh of relief!)

In the few days that I stayed with her I tried to bond with her...she told me all about D's childhood and other such stuff. She had expected a NRI bahu to be full of herself, so she was pleasantly surprised. The first time I made something (tea!) for everyone she hugged me.
Then one evening she heard me in the kitchen while everyone else had gone to sleep, and on seeing me warming salt water for D to gargle (he had a sore throat) tears almost came to her eyes...as she said "Now I don't have to worry about D, I know he is in good hands"

I just hope I can meet her renewed expectations...I will try.

twice in an year?

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 01:25:00 +0000

So D has been asking me to visit him in August...and he is pretty persistent, my mom and sisters empathize with him and so when i talk to them I get to hear so when are you coming...here is the deal I am new at this job took 1.5 months already...and my last trip to india was almost 7 years ago...so twice in a year is well odd.
I do want to go...the pampering, the attention, the no-work-no-cooking-cleaning-commuting is tempting but what is difficult is coming back..it took me 2 months to recover from the leaving behind my loved onces....still thinking...but I know I will go...weird...whats happenin to me?

In retrospect

noreply@blogger.com (vi) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 16:00:00 +0000

Its almost 2 months since I came back from India...and I got plenty of time to think and count my blessings.

I live here, I love it here...but it does get a bit lonely, had it not been for the two wonderful people I live with, it would be so difficult.

When I went to India my parents always had someone or the other over. When I gave my consent for the wedding, within 10 days people gathered from around the world (ok just north america and europa) and some from other states in India to be with me! Everyone pitched in to have everything ready within 10 days....I didn't lift a finger and everything got done...I realised that I am not alone in the world...a feeling that I often felt here...

I am not saying, I regret being here...far from it...but I do realise that I am missing out on a few things by being here...but then again Kisi ko mukumal jahan nahi milta kisi ko zameen kisi ko aasma nahi milta